About domestic abuse

Before I decided I wanted to leave my husband the relationship was bad, but I wouldn’t have described it as abusive. We had been together for a long time and you think of it as ‘ups and downs’. At one point, he had held me by the throat in front of our child. I knew it shouldn’t have happened but blamed my own behaviour – it happened during an argument, I was angry, I felt it was my fault. It was only one incident of violence. It didn’t feel like a big enough deal.

Over time, I became more and more unhappy. It’s hard to know what’s normal so you don’t realise how bad things have become. Instances seem too small to call abuse. In everyday life he would provoke arguments and take away the credit card or turn off internet access for my devices. He would complain about the way I did things or how long they took, but not do them himself or help. He would mock things that I love or dreams I had and do this to our child too. There were threats to cancel visits to family if I, or our child, behaved in a way he didn’t like. Sometimes if an argument became very bad he would threaten violence. If I was angry, I had a problem and needed to ‘get help’. Life decisions like what house to buy, when and how many children to have, what hours I worked, went his way. I can see the pattern of control now.

When I decided I wanted to separate, he threatened to damage things I needed to do my job. I ended up staying with him for a while longer. There was pressure to stay. Eventually though, I moved myself and our child out of the home. We lost access to some of our belongings and the property itself. Now, he uses what he can to gain a reaction and hold control. He’ll ignore messages, not stick to timings with our child and provoke arguments when he can.

I’ve had help from Sussex Police, WORTH services, My Sister’s House and Safe in Sussex. I’ve been so grateful for the support I’ve received. Part of the work is to understand that any abuse is not OK. When you see domestic abuse as being extremely violent or bigger control issues, you might minimise your own experiences. People may have been through worse abuse than you, but that doesn’t cancel out what you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean you haven’t experienced it. It doesn’t mean you should keep putting up with it.

Leaving is painful, difficult and scary. It is also incredibly worth it. I’ve set an example for my child and my life is now mine. I didn’t think I could adult on my own, but I can. Sometimes I even do it really well! I can work towards a better future where I can decide what I do and how I do it.

I thought I had found the one. Initially he was lovely, worshipped me, showered me in compliments, wanted to spend time doing things with me and my children like no one had before. That changed after he assaulted me and I realised my relationship wasn’t good.

I realised that his behaviours leading up to that incident were not because he loved me, it was because he wanted to control me, manipulate me and make me dependent on him. He would wait in the car and time me collecting my children from school from the car, he told me what I could wear, who I could talk to, what I could eat and by the end I couldn’t walk with my head up in case I was checking out someone else. I had to go to bed when my children went to bed and I wasn’t allowed to be on my phone in case I was talking to other people. Despite doing everything he wanted he would talk badly of me to his family members.

I believed he could be helped, and I did everything to try to help him at a big cost to myself. I held on to the good moments knowing that in some way, I will see the great man I believed he could be. Until he seriously assaulted me and left me unconscious with my children asleep upstairs. I tried to separate from him after that, but he threatened suicide and to have my children taken away. I was so unhappy, and he began to make threats towards me and my children when we were out and about. It was then that I finally called the police.

He was arrested within the hour. I gave my first statement to the police, despite being called by his family members, and being scared of what he might do, the police officer was supportive and made me feel at ease. She asked me questions and as I answered them I realised how bad my relationship was. I couldn’t tell them everything at first. It all moved so fast and I was considered as high risk and referred for a multi-agency risk assessment conference (MARAC). I was assigned a keyworker from children’s services and had support from an independent domestic abuse advisor who gave me information and advocated for me. I attended a recovery programme and met other people who have similar experiences. With this support I was able to contact the police and tell them everything.

Initially I didn’t know how to rebuild my life. I could be a parent for my children, but I didn’t know how to choose what to eat, wear or watch on TV. But with support in place and building bridges with friends, I was able to rediscover myself. Since then, I have grown stronger and help other victim survivors. The services were a huge part in learning the patterns of abuse, learning how to rebuild my life and be able to walk with confidence again. Life is so much easier now, I can sleep in my home and feel safe. I can do things others take for granted and can wear what I like. It’s not been an easy road to travel but it has been a journey and I don’t look back anymore.