About domestic abuse

In most cases, domestic abusers are a partner or ex-partner. In some cases it is a family member or carer.

This means abuse can affect anyone.

Challenging stereotypes

There is a stereotypical view of domestic abuse. We may have a picture in our minds of what a victim looks like.

We must know that:

• domestic abuse is widespread
• it can affect adults and children of all genders and any background
• abuse is not always physical
• children affected by domestic abuse are also victims, whether they were present during incidents or not

You can find more information about the victims of domestic abuse using Safe Lives: Spotlights.

Domestic abuse is an incident, or pattern of incidents, that is:

• controlling - making you dependent on them and controlling what you do
• coercive - they may:
• threaten you, your property or people you love
• control your feelings to get you to behave in the way they want
• violent - they may physically hurt you

Domestic abuse can include, although is not limited to:

• coercive control
• psychological or emotional abuse
• physical or sexual violence and abuse
• economic abuse
• harassment and stalking
• online or digital abuse

We will explain some of these further below.

You may not experience all of the behaviours described here. These are examples of what can happen.

An abuser might use a range of behaviours making a person feel beneath or dependent upon them.

This can include:

• keeping them apart from friends, family and other support
• using the person they're abusing to get what they want
• controlling their behaviour such as what they wear, who they can communicate with and so on

Coercive control is an act, or pattern of acts, that an abuser uses to harm, punish or frighten their victim.

Coercive control may include:

• assault
• threats to the victim or their property
• humiliation - making the person they're abusing feel small, stupid, unimportant and so on 
• intimidation - frightening their victim, for example by standing over them, making them feel like they are on their own and so on

This is any behaviour that affects the victim's ability to:

• receive, use or maintain money or other property
• get goods or services

An abuser may:

• take away bank or credit cards
• spend your money
• run up bills in your name
• interfere with your job

If you are experiencing an abusive relationship, make plans to keep safe.

See our safety planning page.

In a healthy relationship, your partner will not want you to stay if the relationship is not working for you. They may have questions so they can understand why, but they will respect your decision.

In an unhealthy relationship if you say you want to leave, your partner may try to make you feel guilty. They might say things like they 'cannot live without you' or threaten to harm:

• you
• your loved ones
• themselves

Make sure you follow guidance on our safety planning page.

No matter how alone you may feel, there are people that can help you. If you are not able to speak to friends or family, you can talk to a health professional such as your GP or other support services.