Worried about someone?
It can be hard to know how to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing domestic abuse. You might have concerns based on something that’s happening now, worries you’ve had before over something they've said, or something you’ve noticed happening.
Most of us will already know someone who is going through it. In the UK, one in 4 women and one in 6 men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. It can happen to anyone, of any age and from any background.
If someone is experiencing abuse, they are most likely to turn to someone they know - friends, family members, neighbours and colleagues. Some may tell their doctor or another professional, but it's usually the people around them who suspect something is wrong or they feel able to confide in.
What do you say if you think someone is experiencing abuse?
Reach out
Don't be afraid to reach out to someone who you think needs help. Someone who's experiencing abuse might want someone else to ask if they're okay.
Be gentle
Start any conversation gently, conveying your concern. You could ask about things you have noticed, something like:
- "You haven't been in touch much lately. Is everything OK?"
- "I've noticed you seem a bit down. Has anyone upset you?"
- "I'm worried about you, you seem..." [scared, sad, different or whatever fits]
- "Do you feel safe at home?"
Find out
If you are concerned that someone you know might be at risk of domestic abuse, you can use Clare's Law - the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) - to find out about the current or ex-partner of someone you know. This is called the 'right to ask'.
See more information about Clare's Law on our get support page.
What to do if someone tells you they're experiencing abuse
How you respond when someone opens up to you about what they're experiencing really matters, whether you've asked them about your concerns or whether they've told you unexpectedly.
Listen supportively
Try not to offer strong opinions about the relationship or the person behaving abusively as this may shut down the conversation. Try to have an open mind.
What you can say
When someone confides in you that they are experiencing abuse you can do the following things to help them:
Believe them
Believe what they are telling you and don't blame them for the situation they're in. Don't make them feel that their experience is small or unimportant.
Reassure them
Make sure they know that you want to assist them and help them to recognise:
- what a healthy relationship looks like
- that abuse is not acceptable
- that everyone, including them, deserves a healthy, non-abusive relationship
Don't ask 'Why don't you just leave?'
This is a really unhelpful question because:
- people are at increased risk of serious harm when trying to leave
- abuse is complicated and there are reasons why a person may not be able to, or may feel unable to, leave
You can see more in our section below about why people stay in abusive relationships.
What you can do
You can do some practical things to help someone who discloses they are experiencing abuse:
Focus on them
Focus on them, not the person causing harm. Even if they stay with their partner, be a safe space for them. Listen without judgement when they need to talk. Remember that even if you feel like there's nothing you can do, you are doing a lot just by being there for them.
If you are worried that the person is experiencing mental health difficulties such as depression or suicidal thoughts, encourage them to get help from their GP. If they say it will help, go with them to appointments.
Get advice
Get advice about how to help people experiencing domestic abuse.
Contact WORTH servicesFind services
Connect them to support in their community for information and guidance.
Get supportSafety planning
Help them to keep safe. See our safety planning page.
Don't contact the person causing harm
Don't contact the person who is causing harm or post negative things about them online. This may make the situation worse.
Why do people stay?
You may wonder why a person wouldn't just leave the relationship. Often, people put themselves in the place of others and imagine leaving at the first signs of abuse. But leaving is more complicated than it seems. There are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships.
An abusive person may make direct threats of violence towards their victim, any children or other people, pets or property that the abused person cares about or needs.
People who are in an abusive relationship are likely to suffer from low self-esteem and confidence. They might have felt this way before the relationship, or it might have developed during the relationship.
On top of this, there may be practical reasons that may make them feel they have to stay including children, money and housing.
"On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good."
It is important to note that domestic abuse affects all genders. Leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult process for any victim-survivor.
Common reasons for staying
In addition to the attachment the person will have to their abuser, there are many reasons a person may stay. We've listed some possible reasons below.
Circumstances
Someone experiencing abuse may be:
- financially or physically dependent on the person causing harm
- lacking in support
- isolated
Fear
An abused person may fear that:
- the person causing harm will take their children away, or that they might lose custody of the children
- people won't believe them
- physical harm will come to themselves, loved ones or their property
- emotional harm will come to children from the loss of a parent, even if that parent is causing harm
- they have nowhere to go
- they will be alone
Beliefs
An abused person may believe or feel that they are:
- responsible for the abuse
- helpless, hopeless and trapped
- culturally or religiously tied to the person causing harm
- guilty over the failure of the relationship
It takes a lot of courage, strength and support to be able to even think about leaving.
Other help to support victim-survivors
Use these links to find more information.